I haven't paid much attention to the blogging world lately. I finally came to my senses and picked up my long awaiting Prozac prescription yesterday. I do hope my outlook looks brighter in a few weeks. I just can't deal with my life in a positive way anymore. My two year old about drives me loony every day. It's not pretty.
I make myself sad when I look at photos of my son prior to him turning two. I miss the days of his pure innocence and no tantrums. Agreeable. I miss agreeable! These days it seems I find myself treating him like a little adult because I know how smart he is and how capable he CAN be when he FEELS like it. It's just sad. He's 2.5, not 25!
The other big thing that is bothering me is his babysitting situation. I need to get him in day care so I can work full time at the office again. (The boss said something that got me in even higher gear to make this happen soon.) Money is tight and working from home in the morning works, but I can't take phone calls. I get on the phone and Liam loses his mind. It's embarrassing when I am on with my boss or whomever tries to call me in the morning. Plus I want Liam's mind working during the day. I think he's been feeling stagnant with the current schedule he has. He needs more stimulation and learning throughout his day. Day cares and preschools can provide that. BUT it breaks my heart to leave him for 8 hours at a time... with people that don't know him like I do or his previous sitters did. The whole thing makes me frustrated and feeling completely helpless. I think even if I was a full time mom, I wouldn't be that great at it. But I still don't trust someone else to take my son 8 hours, 5 days a week.
Why do I have to feel like a complete basket case? The only two problems I have are juggling work and motherhood and constantly feeling guilty about both. But Ian has been a great help to me the past few months and things otherwise are fine. Well, almost. I guess Ian has been sick and our TV has been broken for a week, so he has been grumpy for almost a week, but I can understand that. He is missing all his sports and he is feeling like crud AND he's helping me with an impossible toddler. Ugh, the life...
Well, hmmm... there IS more. Heidi, my sister, just had a malignant lump surgically removed from her breast yesterday. She hopes they got everything, but there are still more tests to come this week. I am praying that she is okay and nothing more comes of this. She has a two year old and it would be horrible if she lost her mother. So I am having thoughts of my niece and her well being and wondering if I could possibly have her if something happened to Heidi. I think about how her life would be and wonder if she'd turn out better being raised with Liam. Then I realize that her Daddy and his family would fight tooth and nail to have her (even though they are divorced and Heidi has given sole custody to my parents in her will.)
Anyway, I won't post about my child transforming to a Frankenstein monster twice today... and then around 7pm we realized he has pink eye.
I hope these pills kick in sooner than the 4 weeks they say it takes. I need hope on the horizon.