Down again

I haven't paid much attention to the blogging world lately. I finally came to my senses and picked up my long awaiting Prozac prescription yesterday. I do hope my outlook looks brighter in a few weeks. I just can't deal with my life in a positive way anymore. My two year old about drives me loony every day. It's not pretty.

I make myself sad when I look at photos of my son prior to him turning two. I miss the days of his pure innocence and no tantrums. Agreeable. I miss agreeable! These days it seems I find myself treating him like a little adult because I know how smart he is and how capable he CAN be when he FEELS like it. It's just sad. He's 2.5, not 25!

The other big thing that is bothering me is his babysitting situation. I need to get him in day care so I can work full time at the office again. (The boss said something that got me in even higher gear to make this happen soon.) Money is tight and working from home in the morning works, but I can't take phone calls. I get on the phone and Liam loses his mind. It's embarrassing when I am on with my boss or whomever tries to call me in the morning. Plus I want Liam's mind working during the day. I think he's been feeling stagnant with the current schedule he has. He needs more stimulation and learning throughout his day. Day cares and preschools can provide that. BUT it breaks my heart to leave him for 8 hours at a time... with people that don't know him like I do or his previous sitters did. The whole thing makes me frustrated and feeling completely helpless. I think even if I was a full time mom, I wouldn't be that great at it. But I still don't trust someone else to take my son 8 hours, 5 days a week.

Why do I have to feel like a complete basket case? The only two problems I have are juggling work and motherhood and constantly feeling guilty about both. But Ian has been a great help to me the past few months and things otherwise are fine. Well, almost. I guess Ian has been sick and our TV has been broken for a week, so he has been grumpy for almost a week, but I can understand that. He is missing all his sports and he is feeling like crud AND he's helping me with an impossible toddler. Ugh, the life...

Well, hmmm... there IS more. Heidi, my sister, just had a malignant lump surgically removed from her breast yesterday. She hopes they got everything, but there are still more tests to come this week. I am praying that she is okay and nothing more comes of this. She has a two year old and it would be horrible if she lost her mother. So I am having thoughts of my niece and her well being and wondering if I could possibly have her if something happened to Heidi. I think about how her life would be and wonder if she'd turn out better being raised with Liam. Then I realize that her Daddy and his family would fight tooth and nail to have her (even though they are divorced and Heidi has given sole custody to my parents in her will.)

Anyway, I won't post about my child transforming to a Frankenstein monster twice today... and then around 7pm we realized he has pink eye.

I hope these pills kick in sooner than the 4 weeks they say it takes. I need hope on the horizon.

8 comments:

K said...

(((Hugs)))

Check your email.

Tori :) said...

Oh Gina! I've been wondering where you've been! You've had a lot on your plate. :( Believe me- I understand the crazy 2 yr old. Livie used to be angelic and now I don't know WHAT happened to her.
Prayers for you, your sister, your family and the tv. ;)

hillsmithfamily said...

Gina - First off, my prayers are with you and your family (your sister), and I hope all turns out okay for her.

Secondly, don't feel guilty about feeling guilty!

You know I'm a working mom. And yes, it makes me so sad to leave him in the mornings, but at the same time, I have realized that he has truly benefited from being around other people who love and care for him. Little Dude interacts well with others, and I'm able to enjoy him more, since I'm not the ONLY source of entertainment he has throughout the day.

And yes, even though he is a year younger than your little guy, I also look at the younger pictures at times and think, "where did my little love-bug go?" And it makes me sad.

I hope the anti-depressants help, and I'm sorry you are dealing with so much right now. Sometimes it helps to know others are out there dealing with the same issues, so just know I understand. And I don't have any perfect solutions. We just keep doing the best we can!

Take care, bloggy twin! You are loved (by Liam too, even when he is being a little tyrant). My husband says that sons always love their moms (and he does adore his mom).

He will grow out of this stage!

Danell said...

I love you Gina!

Daisy said...

Gina, First off, thank you for making Heidi call me about everything. I'm glad that I know know and can add her into my prayers even more. I wish that she would have called me on her own and earlier as well, but I'll take what I can get since I know she is busy with school and work and Sierra and dealing with this now. Is someone going out to help her next week. She is going to be so weak and sick and will need someone to help her full time.

Secondly, you are way more creative and entertaining to Liam while working than I am while being a stay at home mom. I am constantly amazed at all the wonderful things that you do for Liam. I always feel like a lazy and lousy mom. I should be trying to do more creative and interactive things with my kids but I don't. I try but I think I've been feeling alot like it seems you have been feeling. I hope that you start to feel better soon. But don't worry about Liam, he seems to adjust very well and he knows that he is loved. Good Luck with everything. Love you!!

Suzanne said...

Oh Gina, it sounds like you've been going through such a rough time.

I remember when "D" went through the terrible two, it really was terrible. Then, one day after a year he just snapped out of it. Just like that. It was bizarre to have a stage that lasted a year.

Just keep hanging on. I think you're doing great!

Alice Wills Gold said...

Yes, I did somehow miss this post..sorry...I must have cancelled it out of my reader on accident.

I am soooo sorry again about your sis, but try to have faith...God is in charge, even though things seem so wrong sometimes.

Gina, I am seriously concerned for you when reading this post...It is evident to me that you aren't yourself...I hope those drugs kick in quick! i am sure they will help immensely.

I will pray for you tonight too....be patient with yourself with Liam....it is hard for all of us...Terrible Twos are a huge challenge...just take it a day at a time.

And, I will pray for your wor/babysitter situation (I can't imagine how hard it is to juggle the most important role of mother with the necessity of being at work, but it will be o.k...as soon as those drugs kick in)

Take care of yourself...you have to ..you have a lot on your plate right now. Try and find some relax time.

Love you...I must retire.

Terry said...

Oh, I feel so bad for Heidi. My biggest fear is dying and not being here to raise my kids.

Sorry also to hear about your struggles balancing work and motherhood. I know you are a great Mom. You do lots of fun things with Liam and his smart and is learning a lot. Sadie doesn't know her letters by sight except for S,X,E, and O. See, I am home all day and I haven't even taught her that yet. Liam is doing great.