I haven't paid much attention to the blogging world lately. I finally came to my senses and picked up my long awaiting Prozac prescription yesterday. I do hope my outlook looks brighter in a few weeks. I just can't deal with my life in a positive way anymore. My two year old about drives me loony every day. It's not pretty.
I make myself sad when I look at photos of my son prior to him turning two. I miss the days of his pure innocence and no tantrums. Agreeable. I miss agreeable! These days it seems I find myself treating him like a little adult because I know how smart he is and how capable he CAN be when he FEELS like it. It's just sad. He's 2.5, not 25!
The other big thing that is bothering me is his babysitting situation. I need to get him in day care so I can work full time at the office again. (The boss said something that got me in even higher gear to make this happen soon.) Money is tight and working from home in the morning works, but I can't take phone calls. I get on the phone and Liam loses his mind. It's embarrassing when I am on with my boss or whomever tries to call me in the morning. Plus I want Liam's mind working during the day. I think he's been feeling stagnant with the current schedule he has. He needs more stimulation and learning throughout his day. Day cares and preschools can provide that. BUT it breaks my heart to leave him for 8 hours at a time... with people that don't know him like I do or his previous sitters did. The whole thing makes me frustrated and feeling completely helpless. I think even if I was a full time mom, I wouldn't be that great at it. But I still don't trust someone else to take my son 8 hours, 5 days a week.
Why do I have to feel like a complete basket case? The only two problems I have are juggling work and motherhood and constantly feeling guilty about both. But Ian has been a great help to me the past few months and things otherwise are fine. Well, almost. I guess Ian has been sick and our TV has been broken for a week, so he has been grumpy for almost a week, but I can understand that. He is missing all his sports and he is feeling like crud AND he's helping me with an impossible toddler. Ugh, the life...
Well, hmmm... there IS more. Heidi, my sister, just had a malignant lump surgically removed from her breast yesterday. She hopes they got everything, but there are still more tests to come this week. I am praying that she is okay and nothing more comes of this. She has a two year old and it would be horrible if she lost her mother. So I am having thoughts of my niece and her well being and wondering if I could possibly have her if something happened to Heidi. I think about how her life would be and wonder if she'd turn out better being raised with Liam. Then I realize that her Daddy and his family would fight tooth and nail to have her (even though they are divorced and Heidi has given sole custody to my parents in her will.)
Anyway, I won't post about my child transforming to a Frankenstein monster twice today... and then around 7pm we realized he has pink eye.
I hope these pills kick in sooner than the 4 weeks they say it takes. I need hope on the horizon.
Something New
Sorry I don't have much on my mind lately. I guess that must mean things are good around these parts. So happy for that.
I got my new bedding today! I have been beyond excited about it because I got what I REALLY wanted (and didn't think it would pan out that way in the beginning of my shopping a month ago). Option 2 was a better avenue for the pocket book, but it went out of stock (at overstock.com) and the greedy folks on ebay wanted to sell it for the same price as my first choice from Pottery Barn. I still am in awe that a patient frugal shopper actually got what she wanted in the first place. Thank you to whatever ebayer who happened to have it and sell it to me for way cheaper than some other folks on there. It's a discontinued set from Pottery Barn.
So I'll have to take photos later when I have the stuff washed and on the bed, but here is the link to see Pottery Barn's arrangement. Isn't that gorgeous??? I am so in love with light yellows and sage greens, but I love that there is a new color in my bedroom now... BLUE! A great compliment to my yellow striped walls [that I don't have any motivation to repaint]. So I'll have to make some blue pillows to compliment the paisley shams and duvet. Paisley, my new love...
I got my new bedding today! I have been beyond excited about it because I got what I REALLY wanted (and didn't think it would pan out that way in the beginning of my shopping a month ago). Option 2 was a better avenue for the pocket book, but it went out of stock (at overstock.com) and the greedy folks on ebay wanted to sell it for the same price as my first choice from Pottery Barn. I still am in awe that a patient frugal shopper actually got what she wanted in the first place. Thank you to whatever ebayer who happened to have it and sell it to me for way cheaper than some other folks on there. It's a discontinued set from Pottery Barn.
So I'll have to take photos later when I have the stuff washed and on the bed, but here is the link to see Pottery Barn's arrangement. Isn't that gorgeous??? I am so in love with light yellows and sage greens, but I love that there is a new color in my bedroom now... BLUE! A great compliment to my yellow striped walls [that I don't have any motivation to repaint]. So I'll have to make some blue pillows to compliment the paisley shams and duvet. Paisley, my new love...
Not much to report
I got a blog comment this morning saying that I make everyone else look bad with all the outings and involvement we enjoy with Liam. That it might be time for me to have more kids.
I know she was kidding as she knows our situation, though I still wonder if people think we are selfish for only having one kid.
The stuff we do with Liam on the weekends and in the evenings is compensation for all the time we've lost with Liam. We don't get to do fun stuff during the week, during the day. And all winter long, our child couldn't even enjoy the outdoors because we don't get home until it's dark. The poor kid is finally getting a few moments outdoors this past week because dusk is coming later.
Remember, I don't need validation in writing this post... I just wanted to vent and this is my safe place to do it.
I don't think I'll have any regrets for only having one child. This plan is working for us. Prior to having Liam we wanted 4. But soon after he was born, we knew we were done. I don't understand the perspective of baby hungry-ness after doing it once already. I am fine with doing it once and savoring every bit of it. That is enough for me, for us. Sadly Liam doesn't get a say in it, but he'll turn out just fine without siblings, I hope.
I know she was kidding as she knows our situation, though I still wonder if people think we are selfish for only having one kid.
The stuff we do with Liam on the weekends and in the evenings is compensation for all the time we've lost with Liam. We don't get to do fun stuff during the week, during the day. And all winter long, our child couldn't even enjoy the outdoors because we don't get home until it's dark. The poor kid is finally getting a few moments outdoors this past week because dusk is coming later.
Remember, I don't need validation in writing this post... I just wanted to vent and this is my safe place to do it.
I don't think I'll have any regrets for only having one child. This plan is working for us. Prior to having Liam we wanted 4. But soon after he was born, we knew we were done. I don't understand the perspective of baby hungry-ness after doing it once already. I am fine with doing it once and savoring every bit of it. That is enough for me, for us. Sadly Liam doesn't get a say in it, but he'll turn out just fine without siblings, I hope.
So blah
I still feel like the previous post's message... but at least I updated Liam's blog with 3 new posts. That is something.
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