Sent: Thu 7/15/99 1:20 PM
Once upon a time, there lived a golden-haired beautiful girl. She lived in a far off country called Lebanonindiana. Her parents were delighted with their golden-child (no pun intended). And everyone loved her. Now, at this time, the golden-haired beautiful girl was dating a semi-tall, semi-dark, very handsome prince. She liked the prince OK and he liked her back. They were happy and all was well.
One day, the prince's sister moved to Lebanonindiana from her previous kingdom, Lavergnehellholetennessee. The prince's sister was raven haired, and though she was not shy, she was lonely and the golden-haired beautiful girl began to be astonished that the raven haired girl should be lonely. So the golden-haired beautiful girl said to the raven-haired girl:
"Behold, fair raven-haired Great One, what ho to the ARBY for crisped frenchly fries and cowbeast patties in a fatted sauce? Come, O Great One and we will gain all the Calorie the ARBY has to offer!"
The raven haired girl was delighted to be with the Golden-haired beautiful girl and gave her a new name. This name was known throughout Lebanonindiana as "Constantina", but they called her Gina for short (Because even long-winded fairytale novelists need a break now and then....)
Constantina and the Great One became fast friends and enjoyed often going to the ARBY to enjoy Calorie and each other's company. Even when the prince became fatted in his ego and Constantina and the prince were not on the best of terms, did the raven-haired girl say to Constantina:
"What ho, yonder "V" household, I will go to visit my Constantina to make merry and dance round the Valentine God at the Center-of-Stake-Worship-Place."
They did dance and sing until one day, Constantina beheld a sight far distant that was glorious: The Young of University Brigham at Marraigecentralutah. With much weeping, the poor raven-haired girl did let go of her Dear Dear Constantina to go to Marraigecentralutah. And did bid her good fortune and best wishes. This broke the heart of the Raven-haired girl, who did mourn and fail to write her friend for fear of letting teardrops fall on the page thereof (or because she had to work everyday and her fingers were tired, OK? That's why I didn't write...but I'm better now, right?).
Then, one beautiful, glorious day, the communicative bell did ring within the raven-haired girl's household and there was much rejoicing therein because the Golden-haired beautiful girl had returned to visit heart to heart, calorie to calorie. They did go to the DQ and rejoice in each other's polite table-manners and affectionate snorting. They also did discuss love and all of the problems therein...until it was time for the Golden-haired beautiful girl to return to Marraigecentralutah. And the raven-haired girl was again barren....no script of words, no communicative ring, not even a cheaply-costing electronic mail, and no calorie to sweep away her barrenness.
And so the raven-haired girl continues in her barren state and devoid of all joy. And lo, she was taken to the medi-witch to find her innard difficulty. And none was found. She was taken to the fairy-sprite-psycho-analyst and PROZAC did reign her days. And her joy was not found. Alas, she was told, that unless Constantina did provide some sort of contact (maybe an email reply?), that the raven-haired great one would grow quicker than slow into a gray-haired not-so-great one before.
So I beg you, as one telling the story and living it, to please, please, please WRITE the raven-gray-haired great one before it's TOO LATE!!!!!!!
So I'll uh, talk to you later...
Please Note: The above email letter is an original, not to be reproduced/duplicated/used (like you'd want to anyway) without permission of Gina Constantina or Kate the Great.